One of Us
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal wonders how he can tell Ethan about their birth mother and her hereditary illness. Set after Home for Christmas (19.12.15).


_This is what might have happened after yesterday's episode (Home for Christmas, 19.12.15) but probably didn't. I hope it's not too much like my other stories._

* * *

Ethan could tell Cal wasn't himself. He was alone at the bar, not talking to anyone, and the exhausted slump of his body told Ethan it had been another very difficult, emotional day for his brother.

"Hey. How was your day?" said Ethan. He knew it was a stupid question. He could see Cal's day hadn't been good, but he didn't want to put any pressure on Cal to talk about it.

At the same time, he wanted Cal to know he was there.

"Not the best," admitted Cal.

Ethan looked at him sympathetically. "Ah, there's last-minute Christmas shopping for you."

Cal gave him a look of agony. "Ethan… um…." His throat constricted.

"Are you all right?" asked Ethan, suddenly realising Cal's reddened eyes weren't the effect of the Christmas lighting in the pub.

Cal opened his mouth but no words came out. He shook his head.

Ethan had no trouble working out what was wrong. "Matilda," he whispered.

Cal didn't confirm or deny it. He didn't have to.

Ethan put his hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "It gets me as well."

Cal had another go at speaking, but he couldn't. There were tears in his eyes and Ethan knew it wouldn't take much to make them fall.

"Okay. Here's to her, Caleb." Ethan gave a sad smile. "Merry Christmas." Cal just nodded. Ethan clinked his glass against Cal's. He drank to Matilda, but Cal didn't.

He looked pleadingly at Ethan, his tears all but escaping.

Ethan moved his head in the direction of the door. "Come on," he whispered. He carried his glass out of the pub and waited by the door, hoping Cal would choose to follow him but knowing he might prefer to drown his sorrows and then ensure he didn't spend the night alone.

But Cal emerged from the pub a few moments later. He'd left his glass behind. Ethan felt his heart stab with pain as Cal closed his eyes and let the tears trickle out onto his cheeks.

Ethan put his hand on Cal's shoulder and felt his silent sob. Ethan looked back into the pub for a moment, then he put his glass down beside the door. He'd hoped Cal would be able to go back inside after a few minutes, but he now realised the only place Cal needed to be was at home.

"I'll drive," said Ethan, and Cal didn't answer. They walked to Ethan's car together, Ethan slowing down so he could walk beside his brother. He listened to Cal's shaky breathing and wished the idea of reaching out and pulling Cal into a hug didn't make him feel so uncomfortable.

When they reached the car, Ethan unlocked it, but Cal made no move to get inside. He stood about a foot away from the car, staring down at his feet.

Ethan opened the door, then put his hand lightly on Cal's back. "Go on. Get in."

To his relief, Cal did as he was told. Ethan walked around to the drivers' side, feeling tears prick his own eyes. Poor Cal. It was horrible seeing him so unhappy, but Ethan could understand it because he missed Matilda too.

Cal sat silently in the car, staring blankly through the window. Ethan started up the engine and began the journey home. He wanted to speak; he wanted to say something that would help, but he knew there was nothing. Nothing could bring Matilda back. Nothing could make her Cal's daughter.

It was Cal who broke the silence, but not with words. He buried his face in his hands and cried harshly, each sob almost a howl. Ethan let go of the steering wheel so he could squeeze Cal's arm. Cal's body shook with the force of his emotions and Ethan had to swallow hard before he could speak.

"We'll be home soon, Cal."

If Cal had been less upset, he might have asked Ethan aggressively how going home would help anything, but he said nothing. He only cried.

* * *

Cal wanted to go to his room, but he didn't resist when Ethan led him to the sofa. He collapsed onto it and wondered how he was going to tell Ethan.

Ethan put his hand on Cal's arm and squeezed it gently. "I know it doesn't change anything, Cal, but I'm here."

Cal began to cry again, unable to help himself. Ethan had been so kind to him and Cal was about to tear his life apart. Again.

Only this time, Ethan wouldn't be able to make it better. They couldn't both be okay. It had to be one of them.

"Shall I make you some tea?" Ethan asked gently as he patted Cal's arm. "Or perhaps something stronger?"

Cal shook his head and cried with abandon.

Ethan continued to pat Cal's arm helplessly. Then he stood up.

"Don't go!" Cal burst out: the first time he'd spoken since they'd been in the pub.

"I'm just getting you a tissue," said Ethan.

"No, not yet," sobbed Cal. "Please, Ethan. Stay with me. I don't want you to go!"

Cal knew he was being irrational, but he couldn't help it. He could lose Ethan: watch him gradually but irrevocably drift further and further away. He imagined the anger, fear and helplessness Ethan would feel at his own deterioration and there would be nothing Cal could do.

 _Please. Don't do that to Ethan. If it's got to be one of us, let it be me!_

"Cal?" A frightened look came into Ethan's eyes. "This isn't just about Matilda, is it?"

"I… I…" Cal sniffed. He didn't want to lie to his brother. "I'm sad about… about Mum too," he said with a sob.

Ethan put his hand on Cal's shoulder and the look of almost-relief on Ethan's face tore Cal apart even more. "I know, Cal. I miss her too."

"I… I just… I…" Cal tried to swallow another sob. He was grateful for Ethan's hand on his shoulder, but he realised, it wasn't enough. As more sobs forced their way through Cal's throat, he put his arms around his little brother and buried his face in his shoulder.

Ethan sat, frozen, for a moment or two, but then he slowly lifted his arms and put them around his brother. "I'm here, Cal. I'm here."

The noises Cal was making didn't even sound human. He clung to his brother, hardly knowing if he was seeking comfort or trying to protect him from something neither of them could control. "Ethan, I know I haven't always been a good brother, but I'm here for you too."

Ethan hugged Cal more tightly. "I know you are, Cal."

Cal sniffled. "I always will be. No matter what."

Ethan stroked his back. "I know, Cal. I'll always be here for you too."

"I... I know we don't really say this, but I want you to know," said Cal through more tears. "I... I love you, Ethan."

"Oh. Well. Thank you! I love you too," said Ethan.

"Oh, Ethan." Cal was so glad to hear that, but at the same time, he wished he hadn't said it. If Cal had the gene, it would break Ethan's heart. Cal didn't want that.

"Hey. Shh. It's okay," said Ethan. "You've had a rough day and Christmas is always a sad time of year when you've lost someone."

 _Or if you're going to lose someone_ , thought Cal.

"Mum would be proud of you, you know," said Ethan.

Cal shook his head. He knew their mother had many feelings, but he didn't think she'd even thought about being proud of him.

"I know you miss them," said Ethan. "You've been trying to keep your feelings inside, which is impossible when you love someone. They always find a way out."

Cal nodded. Ethan was right. He couldn't keep his feelings inside. He had to tell Ethan.

Ethan slowly let go of Cal. There were tears in his eyes. "They say Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. There's so much pressure to be happy."

He was struggling to get the words out. Cal knew it was only because he was crying, but one day, Ethan might struggle with every word.

"But it's really a time for family," said Ethan with a sniff. "And to remember the people who aren't here."

Cal felt more tears stream down his cheeks. This time, he didn't object when Ethan went to get them both a tissue, but he didn't take his eyes off his brother. Ethan could look awkward sometimes, but today he seemed almost graceful as he walked across the room and back.

Eventually, one of them wouldn't be able to do that.

Cal had to tell him. He didn't want to, but he knew how it felt to be left in the dark. The longer Cal left it, the angrier Ethan would be; the more likely he'd be to push Cal away.

"So this Christmas is for Mum and Matilda," said Ethan as he removed his glasses and dabbed his eyes. "The two Matildas. We'll remember them and if either of us gets upset, that's fine."

Cal was quite glad Ethan had taken his glasses off. It meant he couldn't see as Cal fought back another burst of emotion.

Twenty-four more hours. Twenty-four hours for the daughter and mother who hadn't been his, but had loved him. Twenty-four hours for the brother who really was his, but now Cal wished he wasn't because then he'd be safe.

Could he give Ethan twenty-four more hours? Could he do it for Ethan? _Should_ he?

"Cal?" Ethan had put his glasses back on. "Is that okay?" He gave Cal's shoulder a rub. "We don't have to if you'd rather not."

Cal heard their mother's voice in her head – no, she wasn't their mother – no, perhaps she was. She was the one who had cared for them and loved them and not kept it a secret when she'd become ill.

 _Don't spoil Ethan's Christmas, Caleb._

She'd said that to him a number of times over the years. When Cal had found all the letters he and Ethan had written to Father Christmas in a folder. When Ethan had accidentally opened a football shirt meant for Cal and had fallen in love with it. When Cal had gambled away the money he was going to spend on Ethan's Christmas present and had to pretend one of the presents from their mum was from him.

"Cal?" said Ethan anxiously.

Cal wiped his face as he took another moment to decide what he should do. Then he turned and faced his brother. "I think that's a great idea, Ethan. We'll remember both of them."

He would let Ethan enjoy Christmas as their mother had always told him to do. He'd give him one more day of the bliss of ignorance. He'd spend one day doing the one thing he'd always meant to do but hardly ever managed: protecting his little brother.

And then he'd do the one thing he kept promising himself he'd never do again.

He'd tear Ethan's heart to shreds.


End file.
